Bitch vs Vampire
by Gemjj
Summary: Old old fanfic of mine I came across the other day. Angel and Cordy are having a small fight about who knows the most pick up lines, Wesley referees 'cause basically, Angel and co. don't have much to do on the demon front one night. Bsically I was bored and this happened... Rated M due to language.


An old old old fic of mine I came across the other day... I'm sure it's out there somewhere already, but I thought would post it here so I can keep track of all my work in one place...

Disclaimer: Yeah, as if I can own someone elses made up characters.. I'm just borrowing them for a little fic instead.

* * *

Wesley had to chuckle to himself as he listened to his boss argue with the head strong young woman. It was definitely given that the two could argue about anything.

"Cordelia, you can't know more than me. I'm over two hundred and forty!"

"Age has nothing to do with it! You could be a trillion and I would still know more than you!" She shot back.

Wesley flipped the page of the book he was pretending to read. They hadn't had any action for the past few days, and they were all getting restless. Not to mention very irritated with each other.

"No - way! I am the most experienced! I've tried to pick up loadsa girls as Angelus, and that vamp knows 'em all!"

Wesley smiled to himself. Cordelia had been experimenting with Angel's blood, and the cups she'd kept giving him in the past three hours had been experiments with alcohol, it had been taking effect the past hour or so.

"OK, fine. Let's say you *do* know more, in fact, you're the *King* when it comes to pick up lines. But baby, you have a challenger... wanna take a risk in losing your crown?" The fiery eyed woman put to the slightly drunk vampire.

Wesley suspected Cordelia had been drinking a little alcohol too, before she had tipped loads into Angel's blood, as she was acting a little more high spirited than usual.

"There's no risk." The vampire told her sticking his tongue out.

Cordelia returned the look. "You're just a wimp. A big king of pick up lines vampire wimp!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!'

They both stopped and looked at Wesley as he slammed his book on his desk and stood up. "Honestly! Some people are trying to do something worth while, you know!"

Cordelia stuck her tongue out at him.

Wesley rolled his eyes.

"Look, since we've got nothing better to do. Let's see who really should be crowned king of -," Cordelia glared at him, "- or queen of pick up lines."

"Wes, you keep score." Angel said. Then turned back to Cordy, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Oh, bite me!" She said in disgust, then frowned. "Not an invitation, you understand."

Wesley had now took a notepad and pen from the desk. "Right, Angel, you can start, since you're defending your title and all."

Wesley had never actually said they had to act like they were trying to pick someone up, let alone each other, but that's the way the vampire had chosen to do it, so that's what was gonna happen.

Cordelia was sitting on her desk, and he pulled the chair around and put it in front of the desk and sat down himself before starting.

"Congratulations, Cordy! You've been voted 'Most Beautiful Girl In This Room' and the prize is to spend the night with me!"

Wesley put a point by Angel's name as Cordelia muttered, "lame."

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" Cordelia put in without a hesitation when Wesley looked up.

"I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you?"

"Yes." Then she smiled and added her own line. "Excuse me, do you believe in one night stands?" She asked in a sugary sweet voice.

Wesley and Angel both chuckled.

"You look a little feverish. Luckily, I always have an oral thermometer on me." Angel put in.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "I've been undressing you with me eyes all night long, and I think it's time to see if I'm right."

Angel stood and looked Cordy up and down. "Damn, Cordelia! I thought 'very fine' only came in a bottle!"

Cordelia got up herself and strode past the vampire. Then she turned back around to him. "Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No?" She feigned disappointment. "Damn!"

"Did you know there are 265 bone inside your body, Cordy? Wanna know how you can get one more?"

"Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes." Cordy shot back.

"Are my undies showing? - Well, would you like them to?"

"No thanks, I don't want nightmares!" Cordelia let out with a giggle. Wes had to smile as Angel frowned at her.

"OK, sorry!" Cordelia said as she calmed down. "My go?"

Wesley nodded.

"Have a mirror in your pocket, Angel?" She asked, turning to the vampire.

His brow furrowed. "Why?"

"'Cause I can see myself in your pants." She leaned on the wall by her desk. "Duh!"

"Walk out." Angel told Cordelia.

"What? Why -"

"Just do it!"

"Fine!" She turned to walk out the door.

"Hey, aren't you forgetting something?"

Cordelia held back a groan, knowing what to expect. She turned around. "What?" She played along.

Angel gave her a soppy grin, "me."

"Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job, Angel?"

"No."

She winked. "Do you want to do lunch?"

"Can I borrow a quater? - I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams."

Cordelia rolled her eyes and hit back with one right away. "Can I borrow a quater? I want to call your mother and thank her."

Angel smiled at her whiny voice. "Didn't I used to pull on your ponytail in grammar school?"

"Finished with the 'can I borrow a...' already, Angel? - I still have a couple!"

"Go ahead." The vampire encouraged. "It is your turn after-all."

Cordelia shrugged. "Can I borrow a quater? My mom said to call her when I fell in love."

"Do you believe in helping the homeless? - Yes? Then take me home with you."

"Can I borrow your library card? 'Cause I wanna check you out."

"Do you have any Irish in you, Cordy?" He asked with a grin.

Cordelia went red, knowing what he was gonna say. "No."

"Would you like some?"

"I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?" She quickly said, sticking her tongue out for the last one.

Angel had worse than that yet. "Excuse me. I am about to go home and masturbate and I need a name to go with the face."

"Didn't we go to different schools together?" She replied, saving her own dirtier ones for a little later.

Angel on the other hand kept them coming. Angelus was always the crude one. "Hi! Do you want to see something really *swell*?"

"Do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us?"

"Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge that Sex is a real killer? - Do you want to die happy?"

Cordelia groaned. "Ugh! The amount of times I've heard that one! Jeez! I thought they'd at least show some -"

"Cordelia!" Wesley interrupted.

"Oh, sorry!" She stared back at Angel. "Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation, Angel?" Angel shook his head, playing along. "Do you wanna go upstairs and talk?"

"Hi. I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead, say no."

"So, do you like music?" Angel nodded. "Good! I've got a great stereo system at home!"

"I like *every* muscle in your body, Cordy, *especially* mine." He winked.

Cordy held back a groan. He wasn't straying from the dirty ones. Well, two could play like that. "Hi, my name's Cordy. You might want to remember it now, because you'll be screaming it later."

Angel stretched out his arm and Cordy found two fingers in her face. "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?"

"Dunno."

He gave her a sly look as his arm fell to his side. "'Cause they're mine, sweetheart."

"Ask me the time." Cordelia told Angel.

"Ugh! Cordy! That one's so old!" Angel complained. "Who *doesn't* know 'do you have the time? - no, I meant time to write down my number'?" He mimicked in a girlie voice.

"Well, that's a point to you, and Angel, if I'd been aiming to get a point for myself *I* would have asked *you* for the time." Then she gave him a look. "I get to think of two now 'cause you stole my go! ... *And* ask me the time."

Wesley obidiatly marked down an extra point to Angel, and looked up, waiting for Cordelia's two.

"Do you have the time?"

She gave the vampire a sultry look. "Do you have the energy?"

Wes and Angel let out smiles for that one, neither had been expecting that.

Cordelia then shot out another one. "Shall I wait for you in my car, or will the closet suffice?"

"I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot, Miss Chase."

"Angel!" Cordelia punched his arm lightly.

"Sorry, Cord. Didn't mean to embarrass you."

She glared at his amused face. Giving him an icy glare she licked a finger, reached out and touched his black shirt, before touching her own top. "Let's you and me get out of there wet clothes."

"What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?" He glanced downwards briefly. "My zipper."

Cordelia didn't phase. "I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?"

"Were you raised on a chicken farm, Cor? Because you really know how to raise some cock."

"Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?"

"No."

She winked.

Angel smiled. "I like it." He paused. "My name is Chance. Do I have one?"

"The name's Hell. And there's not a Chance in Hell."

Angel frowned and looked at Wesley. "That doesn't count, right? - It wasn't an actual pick up line, just a rebuff!"

"I have to agree. Sorry, Cordelia."

She shrugged, "I wasn't even trying for a point." She returned her gaze to Angel. "I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated."

"I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock."

"Let's have breakfast together tomorrow. Want me to call or nudge you?"

"Is your dad a pitcher, Cor? Because he threw you some nice curves."

"The word of the day is 'legs'. Wanna go to my place and spread the word?"

"I know milk does the body good, but how much have you been drinking?"

"Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?" Cordelia waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"I was just curious... are you as good as all the guys say you are?"

"See my friend over there?" She loosely points in Wesley's direction. "He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

"Is your father a lumberjack? 'Cause whenever I look at you, I get wood in my pants."

"My name is Pogo. Can I jump on your stick?"

"I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent - oh, did I mention, you have my consent."

"That's a nice pair of pants, Angel. Can I talk you out of them?"

"You might be asked to leave soon, Cordelia. You're making the other women look really bad."

"Hi! I'm Easy!" Cordelia put in.

Wesley spat out the gulp of iced tea he just had.

"That count?" The English man asked, blushing.

"Well, she'd pick up a lot of guys if she used it." Angel shrugged.

Wes let out some air as he marked another to Cordy's tally.

Angel continued. "Y'know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain shortages? - Well, I don't even own a car."

"This one, coming from a cheerleader will sound a little off. But just for the record, I've so *never* used it." Cordy said before adding; "I've got the F, the C, the K, now all I need is U."

Both Angel and Wes, laughed, knowing what she meant before.

"Are you a vegetarian, Cord?" He didn't wait for her to answer. "If you are, suck my cucumber, but if you aren't, suck my sausage."

"That's just distasteful." Wesley groaned.

"My mattress is a little hard. Would you like to help me break it in, Angel?"

Angel looked Cordy up and down again, and whistled. "You with all those curves, and me with no breaks!"

"Wanna play war, Broody - Boy? Lie down and I'll blow you away."

"Hey, sweetheart, are your pants as wet as mine?"

"If looks were against the law, you'd be arrested, booked and jailed for life."

"Do you fuck on first dates? No? Well, then I want to book two."

"I had the best sex of my life with someone last night, was that you?"

"Nice outfit, Princess. Would look great crumpled on my floor."

"If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?" Cordelia asked with a sly smirk, she liked that one, no way of getting out of it!

"I see you eat with utensils, well, I've got one that I'm just dying to put in your drawers."

"If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them."

"A snake just bit my penis. Could you be so kind as to suck out the venom?"

Wesley pulled a face, but Cordelia didn't bat an eye.

"MMMMM... You give a new meaning to the word 'edible'."

"Stop. Drop. And Roll, baby, 'cause you're on fire!"

"You know what, Angel? Your tan would match my sheets perfectly."

"I'm sorry, were you talking to me? No? Well, then please start."

"There must be something wrong with my eyes. I can't take them off you."

"You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb."

"Do you have sunburn, Angel, or are you always this hot?"

Angel suddenly started jumping up and down and flapping his arms out moving closer to Cordelia. He was such a sight, Wesley and Cordy were in hysterics. "What the hell are you doing?" Cordy managed.

"I am being a penguin." Cordelia just raised an eyebrow. "I was trying to break the ice."

Cordelia smiled. "Weird, but, cute." Then she shrugged it off. "Wanna know what would look good on you? - Me."

"I seem to have misplaced my willy-warmer. Do you mind if I try you on for size?" He grinned. "That was Spike's favorite."

"Why am I not surprised?" Cordelia said, rolling her eyes. "You must be a chef, because you certainly are spicy."

"Damn, girl, you have more curves than a race track."

"It's true there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place."

"I admit, I'm kinda a geek by day.. But a sex machine by night!"

"Screw me if I'm wrong, but, haven't we met before?"

"I know how to please women." Angel whispered huskily.

Cordelia leaned in closer to him. "Then please leave me alone."

Angel smirked at her rebuff as she walked across the room near Wesley's desk.

The two men watched intrigued as she used her index finger to call Angel over to her. When he was close she leaned in and whispered; "I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand."

"Where do you get these from, Cordelia? - I can understand Angel, because of the years Angelus must have chased after women, but you're -" Wesley started, asking what Angel wanted to know also.

"Just a little girl? - I'm older than most, Wesley. I had my first drink at ten, took a sample of drugs at thirteen, oh, and did I mention, in between those years, I lost my virginity." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Wouldn't be Blow job queen of Sunnydale without years and years of practice, watcher-boy."

The room went silent for a minute. And Angel didn't like the tension, so he quickly sprouted a line.

"Were you just smiling at me from across the room, or do I have my contacts in wrong?"

Cordelia came back with one straight away. "I hope you know CPR, 'cause you just took my breath away!"

"Cordy, if you were words on a piece of paper, you'd be what they call fine print."

"Can I have a picture? I want Santa to know exactly what to get me for Christmas."

"Who stole the stars and put them in your eyes?" Angel asked while stifling a yawn.

"Did you have Campbell's soup today? Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!"

"I bet your dad's a baker, 'cause you got some really great buns!"

"Are those space pants, 'cause your booty is out of this world!"

Angel stared at his friends chest, in awe. "Wow! Are those real?"

"Excuse me, your fly is down." Cordelia smirked as Angel actually looked down. "Oops! Maybe not now, but definitely later."

"Come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that *pops* up."

"I lost my Rubber Ducky, will you take a bath with me instead?"

"You might as well fuck me, because I'm gonna tell everyone we did it anyways."

"You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi... I just gotta have one."

"Miss? Do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then allow me to introduce myself..."

"My magic watch says you haven't got any clothes on." Cordelia hit her head slightly. "Oops! I forgot.. it's set an hour fast."

Angel grinned, he liked that one. "Did it hurt?"

Cordy groaned. "What?"

"When you fell from heaven."

"You look like my third lover."

Angel played along, knowing it. "And how many lovers have you had?"

"Two."

"Nice peaches, can I shake your tree?"

"Honey, you're so sweet, you're giving me toothache."

"If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?"

"If I said you had a great body would you put it inside me?" She shot back.

"Baby, you're a sex crime waiting to happen."

"If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn't blink for fear of losing you."

"Was you're father an alien, 'cause there's nothing like you on earth!"

"If McDonalds named a sandwich after you, it'd be McGorgeous." She cocked her head to the side. "Or possibly McFangus."

Angel rolled his eyes at her add on. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're under citizens arrest."

"Why?" She played along.

"It's got to be illegal to look that good, and let me tell you you're in for a *stiff* penalty."

Wes groaned at Angel's bluntness as he added one more to Angel's tally.

"You must work for UPS, because I know I saw you checking out my package."

"I've got a present for you. ... Me!"

Cordy rolled her eyes. "Ha, I don't accept cheap gifts!"

Wes laughed, and Angel let out a playful growl.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

"You're name must be Visa, 'cause you're everywhere I wanna be."

"Is there an airport nearby, or is that my heart taking off?"

"Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Angel tried, he was running out of ideas.

"Do not enter." She replied with a smile. "Do you like blueberries or strawberries because I want to know what kind of pancakes to order in the morning."

Angel sighed, he hated this line, but what the hell... "Where are they?"

Cordy frowned, surely Angel wouldn't use... "Where are what?"

"Your wings. I know an angel when I see one."

Cordelia let out a groan that she couldn't help. "You must be getting low, Angel, 'cause that was just *desperate*. - And you must be a broom, 'cause you just swept me off my feet."

"If you are what you eat, can I be you?"

"You're so hot you make the devil sweat."

"Can I be a thief and steal you away?"

"If you were a pair of pants, I'd wear you out!" She shot back.

"If beauty were a tree, you'd be a forest."

"Wanna do some math. Like, subtract our clothes, add a bed, divide my legs and then multiply?"

"Ugh, haven't I seen you someplace before."

Cordelia nodded. "That's why I don't go there anymore."

Wesley smiled, her rebuffs were better than some of the lines themselves.

"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?" She added as her line.

Her line reminded Angel of one. "I've had a bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?"

"I'm new in town. Can I have the directions to your apartment?"

"Damn, Cord! You even look good with the lights on!"

"Is it hot in here or is it you?"

"Are you sure your gynecologist did a good job on your last visit? I'd be more than happy to probe around."

"You must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!"

"You wanna play lion? - You go kneel over there and I'll throw you my meat."

"You've been extremely naughty! - Go to my room!"

"I'm going to have sex with you tonight no matter what so you might as well be there."

"There's a party in my pants, and you're invited."

"Hey, you wanna play like squirrels? - We'll go back to your hole and I'll bust a nut."

"Do you ever want kids? Well, then, could we practice?"

"Are you free tonight or am I gonna have to pay?"

"If I were a flashlight, would you turn me on?"

"Um..." Angel racked his brain for one. "I'm an artist, and it's my job to stare at beautiful women."

"Can I get directions to your heart, 'cause I'm lost in your eyes."

"I must be in a fairytale, - here I am, looking at a princess."

"You remind me of a parking ticket, you have fine written all over you."

"Ugh... What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?"

"And what's it like being the biggest liar in the world?" Cordelia put back with a grin before her line. "I think I'm a candle 'cause you light my fire and I just melt."

"You... um... I want to use your thighs as ear muffs!"

"You must be butter 'cause your on a roll!" Cordelia was getting excited now, as it was pretty obvious Angel was running out of ideas.

"Um, is this seat empty?" He gestured to an invisible chair.

"Yep, and this one will be too if you sit down... - If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

Angel sighed and leaned on the desk. "I'd like to get in your pants." He said lamely.

Cordy shrugged it off. "No thanks, there's already one asshole in there."

"When I first saw you I almost had to call an ambulance to take me away because the sight of you stopped my heart."

Wes could see Angel was struggling, and Cordelia was bouncing up and down on her seat like she could go on all night.

"OK, um, if I were a battery, and you were a bag of chips, I would be ever ready and you would be free to lay."

"I've got an alarm clock that makes the best sound in the morning. Do you wanna come *and* hear it?"

"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib."

"I'm an army recruiter. Why don't you come to my place and 'be all you can be'?"

"You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line."

"Wanna be my love buffet so I can lay you on a table and take what I want?"

"I'd go to the ends of the earth for you." Before she could add anything, he quickly put in the rebuff he was sure she would say, "and no, I wouldn't stay there."

"Angel, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business."

"Um, your place or mine?"

"Both, - you go to your place, and I'll go to mine! ... If I let you suck on my tongue would you be grateful?"

"My name is Angel, but you can call me anything. Just call me."

Cordy rolled her eyes. "I like your approach, now let's see your departure... OK, um... I may not be a Dairy Queen, but I'll treat you right."

Angel leaned over and picked up a pencil. "Pretend this is a screw..." He held it out to Cordy. "Wanna screw?"

"My name's not Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime."

Angel looked down at Cordelia's chest for the second time during their little game, and raised an eyebrow. "Cold out, isn't it?"

"My lips are registered weapons."

"Hey! - Stop!"

Cordy looked confused. "Stop what?"

"You're undressing me with your eyes - I know you're doing it! - STOP!"

"You must work for Snapple, you're the best stuff on earth."

"Um... I'd go through anything for you."

Cordy raised an eyebrow. "Let's start with your bank account... What do you say we go behind a rock and get a little boulder?"

Cordelia and Wesley were surprised as Angel slumped back in his seat. "I'm out!" - He'd got back on his roll for his past few turns, and now, it seems, he really couldn't think of anymore.

"OK, you're both equal with ninety each. Cordelia, if you want to claim the crown you're gonna have to think up one more." Wesley informed them after counting their points up on his tally chart.

"Just one?"

Wesley nodded.

Cordelia walked to where Angel was sitting and knelt beside him, using a hand to smooth down his shirt. "This shirt's very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too."

Then she moved away. "And then there's -"

"Cordelia, you've won, already. There's no need to rub it in!" Angel complained, sitting back in the chair.

He knew it was a bad idea to let Cordy put alcohol in his blood, he was never gonna let her talk him into letting her do that again. Nuh - uh, not if he was going to be beaten in some stupid game by nineteen year old, he brooded.


End file.
